What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 10:52
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Would this be the day?
Why do men think all women are the same?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She wouldn,t have been !
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We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
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One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
What is the naughtiest fantasy that you've lived out?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I was 9 years of age.
What is unattractive about a nice guy? Why do some women don’t choose nice guys?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
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Who then, do I blame.?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
How do you handle family members who ask for handouts?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
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I have no regrets .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
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I was very sick at this time too.
Especially a lifetime of it.
It was going to be , some day.
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Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
(And it was in our own minds.)
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She loved him until the end.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
As i do to all so called friends.?
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She found it foreign!.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
We were not on the streets..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
We all went to grammer schools
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Ive learnt so much.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I said to her
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
My life is so biszare .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But it wasn’t much.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
When she asked me how she looked .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I don,t even have a pension.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
And i lived it daily.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I was scared of men, in general
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I couldn’t, believe it.
I write beautiful poetry .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
So whats the point in blame.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But, we were locked up after school.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Why did i forgive my father ?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I was seconnd youngest,
Im still living with it.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
So, i spoilt her more .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I could never make a relationship work though!
She was in good health!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He resisted the act ,that day.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
What did i know ?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Comes on , in middle age.
I waited trembling.
I think the readers, may guess!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
This is soul school!.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He knew the spot.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She married twice! .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I will be 64.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
My family never makes their pension either.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
One cannot live in the past .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Put me off passion for life!!
All the time i was locked up.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.